[Two Pronged] My boyfriend is too close to his girl bestfriend. Should I be worried?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes & Mr. Baer,

I’m in a bit of a dilemma, and I hope you can help me out. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now, and everything’s been great—for the most part. He’s sweet, supportive, and we have a lot of fun together.

There’s just one thing that’s been bothering me lately: his “bestie.”

They’ve been friends since high school, and I’ve always known about her. I’ve met her a few times, and she seems nice enough, but here’s the thing — she’s always around. They chat constantly, sometimes late into the night, and they have all these inside jokes that I’m not part of. Whenever we have plans, she’ll suddenly need his help with something, and he’ll drop everything to go to her. He assures me they’re just friends and that I have nothing to worry about, but I can’t help feeling uneasy.

To make things more complicated, I recently found out that she used to have a crush on him back in the day, though he says it was never mutual. He swears that she’s like a sister to him, but I’ve noticed the way she looks at him sometimes, and it just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t want to be the paranoid girlfriend, and I don’t want to come off as controlling, but I can’t shake this feeling.

Am I overreacting? Should I confront him about this, or am I reading too much into things? How do I navigate this without damaging our relationship or coming across as insecure?

Help!

Sincerely,

Third Wheel

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Dear Third Wheel,

Thank you for your email.

One of the inevitable hazards of new relationships is coming to terms with the skein of connections that partners bring with them – parents, siblings, friends, ex’s etc. Generally these are not problematic but sometimes, as in your case, there are potential points of contention, particularly where there are longstanding bonds that a new partner may find difficult to understand or accept.

Of course, all romantic relationships need to be based on some element of compromise and accommodation. Ideally partners should be entranced by every aspect of each other, but real life frequently intervenes and stumbling blocks have to be negotiated, with frank discussion a much better long term solution than a ‘grin and bear it’ approach.

It is not clear, Third Wheel, to what extent you have explicitly expressed your concerns, but given the extent to which this intrusive bestie is upsetting you it is high time you tell your boyfriend precisely how you feel and try to work out a compromise. After all, if he is unwilling to prove to you now that his relationship with you is the priority in his life, then you are better off knowing this today (and perhaps even dumping him) rather than suffering on into the future forever being sidelined by someone else.

Best of luck,

JAFBaer

Dear Third wheel:

Thank you very much for your letter. I can’t help wondering if the name you chose — Third Wheel — is something you merely feel, or something you actually are, as far as your boyfriend is concerned (but more on that later).

Her having a crush on him—no bigee, imho, especially since he knew about it already. It’s not as if the scales fell from his eyes when he heard about it and thought: “OMIGOD, she loves me! And I love her too but never realized it.”

The scales that should have fallen from his eyes but, alas, have not are the ones that keep him from acknowledging how truly confused/anxious you are about their relationship. He can tell you not to worry, but words are just words. What really matters is how he behaves and how he makes good on these words. After all, as the old chestnut says, “the proof of the pudding is in the eating” and in this case, that includes behavior that doesn’t leave you out all the time!

It doesn’t matter if there is any basis for what you feel. The fact that you feel this way deserves some acknowledgment—and some change in his behavior if that is what is causing the feelings.

Mind you, I wouldn’t say it doesn’t matter how you feel if you were someone who wrote as if she had tendencies to be paranoid. But you have come up with actual behavior indices that explain why you feel as you do, and these indices seem reasonable to me. For example, is there something in her history that makes her need your boyfriend to drop everything when she calls? If so, it’s up to you to decide if you want a boyfriend who feels such a commitment to someone else.

BUT open up the discussion so you know more…in this case, knowledge is not just power, knowledge is a necessity… so you can make an informed decision.

In your last paragraph, you ask the following questions: Am I overreacting? Should I confront him about this? Am I reading too much into things? How do I navigate this without damaging our relationship or coming across as insecure?

Here are my answers in the order you asked them: I don’t know…not until you talk to him about it and see what’s what. Confront, I feel, is not the way to go. It implies some anger (more than confusion) and a “gotcha!” vibe. Hindi mo naman siya hinuhuli. The purpose of your conversation is to understand what is truly going on, not to prove who is right or wrong.

Again, we don’t know until you talk to him. Btw, in my opinion, even if you are “over-reacting’ and he manages to convince you there’s nothing between them, surely you both can explore what he can do to minimize your hurt and confusion? That is what a boyfriend/girlfriend/“personfriend” does.

If you constantly have to walk on eggs so as not to damage your relationship, the relationship is not worth it. If he sees you as insecure instead of needing some backstory and some reassurance, then he is not worth it.

It is often difficult to say the correct thing in just one column but as far as I am concerned, it’s ok if you say to yourself: “Oo nga, bakit ako pa ang third wheel? Diba kailangang baliktad?!!?” (That’s right! Why am I, the supposed girlfriend and supposed #1 in his life, the one feeling like the third wheel?!!)

Good luck,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to [email protected].