[Free to Disagree] Good manners and narcissists

Narcissists will control others to fulfill their egotistical and self-serving needs — no matter what norms they violate

I blame my mother. She raised me this way. I am morally convinced and behaviorally compelled to practice GMRC. And, because I practice GRMC, I get taken advantage of.

Good manners and right conduct. I like the “RC” part because it represents the reason why I am convinced that good manners is…well..a good thing.

It isn’t about when to slurp your soup and siphon your noodles up your mouth loudly or when you should be quiet when eating noodle soup. It isn’t about the optics of who precedes whom on the stairs or who walks outside the curb.

It is about why we do these things. So, the stronger person (usually a young adult regardless of sex) goes down the stairs first so that the weaker person (elderly, physically disabled or child) can hold on, or in the extreme fall on, the stronger one. Same reasoning for going up the escalator or stairs. The weaker one goes first so he or she can be caught by the stronger one if he/she stumbles or grows dizzy. Similarly, make sure to open the door for your child and get them to safety before entering the car yourself. As for when you’re walking, the stronger adult should walk closest to traffic so that children and elderly who are likely to wobble into traffic can be kept safe. Oh, do respect people when they are crossing the street.

Right conduct underpins good manners because these are not about shows of upper class origin and therefore, elitism. It isn’t about class politics although some bad mannered rich people with absolutely no concept of noblesse oblige will make it an issue. Those people who look down on another because of an inconsequential slip (‘my god, she used the meat fork on her salad!”) have no class no matter what’s in their bank account or how many times they have read up on etiquette.

And, oh, do not get me started about how courteous and respectful debate is necessary to the kind of discourse that is crucial to a democratic society.

In truth good manners is how we show that we are respectful of any other human being just because they are human. Another deeply democratic value. It is also about moral standards that say we protect and assist the weak. This is why when politicians want to foment fake class war to come to power,  they associate good breeding with the wealthy and encourage their followers to accept their foul mouths and oafish behavior as “authentic” and being close to the common folk. What an insult to the “masa”!

As I have mentioned I have observed bad manners among the wealthy who know how to use their forks. I might add, I have met good manners and right conduct in my co-workers who come from poor communities for whom learning to adjust to different standards of fork use is merely a learning opportunity.

Bad politicians, narcissists and boors who do not have the greatness of heart to practice GRMC, are always taking advantage of people.

When I bump into someone, regardless of who is at fault, I issue the well mannered, “Oh. I am sorry!” What I mean is that I recognize we have entered each other’s personal space and therefore, because you are another human being, I recognize you and apologize for being in your space. It is a courtesy that I do not engage in fault finding and just note the violation. It is not an admission of guilt. So I hate it when the other person does not acknowledge the apology or even looks at me as if I just acknowledged my error.

In our culture it is called “pakikipagkapwa” — the recognition of the other as definitional of the self. And those dang bad mannered jerks can’t even do the basics of “pakikipagkapwa”. The proper answer, dang fool jerks is “it’s ok.”  And you must answer. You must return my recognition of you as my kapwa. Or maybe you should try issuing the apology first. Sorry, dear reader, I know it’s a small matter but it really is a pet peeve of mine.

Narcissistic politicians

A long time ago my father and I were at a party where Imelda Marcos was also invited. This was shortly after the Marcoses had returned from Hawaii and they were beginning to reintegrate into polite society. My father, who had stepped outside to smoke his pipe, rushed to sit by me in distraught. “I shook her hand! She offered it and I could not but accept.” My father disliked the Marcoses for their human rights violations and corruption and despised Imelda even more for her ostentation. Ladies, please. 

Do not offer your hand to perfect strangers especially when the perfect stranger is trying to avoid you. Wait to be introduced first. What narcissistic urge makes you think we all want to meet you? Why, Imelda, did you turn someone’s birthday party into a campaign event?

Recently in her own narcissistic move, Vice President Sara Duterte decided to visit her predecessor on short notice. Former Vice President Leni Robredo accepted the visit despite the fact that VP Sara and her father had been beastly to the former Vice President. I read it as a political ploy, a manipulative move of control over someone the current VP had tainted as a political enemy. Former VP Leni’s  acceptance of the visit, I read as similar to my father’s acceptance of the proffered hand shake. Basic GMRC. Please current VP, do not come to someone’s place uninvited. The former VP is now a private citizen. Someone you have pilloried in the past. Makiramdam ka naman. Wait for an invitation.

But, without diagnosing people I haven’t really met, I must tell you about narcissists. Narcissists will control others to fulfill their egotistical and self-serving needs — no matter what norms they violate. They typically disdain social norms as not being applicable to them. Typical of these personality types they do not have the capacity for empathy, much less the refined sense of empathy that GMRC requires.

As I said, those of us who practice GMRC, who uphold the Filipino value of pakikipagkapwa, are always at risk of being exploited by those with “masamang loob.”

But it is a choice of how we exercise our values and what sacrifices we are willing to make towards our fellow human beings and the kind of society we wish to live in. – Rappler.com

Sylvia Estrada Claudio is a doctor of medicine who also has a PhD in Sikolohiyang Pilipino. She is Professor Emerita of the University of the Philippines, Diliman. She thanks you very much for reading this column and hopes you have a good day.