Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:
My problem is not about sex or husband/wife relationships but I hope you find it worthy of an answer. I am a 55-year-old mother whose daughter lives in California as a nurse. She is 32, divorced, and takes care of her two children, 8 and 4.
Every year, I visit her for 2 months to help her — babysitting the children, cooking her meals so she has something hot to eat when she comes home from the hospital.
Lately, I have found her bastos (rude), speaking to me with a tone she does not use with anyone else. I am her mother; I help her in ways no one else does. Why should she treat me this way? I don’t deserve it.
Raising two children as a single mom, without any financial help from their father, with a salary that barely covers her costs, my daughter is “gipit na gipit” (has her back against the wall with all the demands placed on her). She constantly tells me how pressured and stressed she is. That is the reason I have not told her how I feel.
I have been here only a month and already I want to go home. This has never happened before. Please enlighten me so I can survive these last 4 weeks.
Gratefully,
Hurting Mother
Dear Hurting Mother (HM),
Thank you for your email.
Yours is a common problem these days since so many Filipinos leave to pursue lives and careers overseas. Just as the relationship between parents and offspring changes as the children grow into adults, marry, and have children themselves, so does the relationship when they leave for foreign parts.
Parents generally remain unaltered. They are Filipino, living in the Philippines and accustomed to Filipino customs and traditions. They expect that their children will continue to act towards them as they did before they left.
The children however are living a very different experience. They have to adapt to a new culture and lifestyle very different to the one they grew up in and assimilation (to a greater or lesser degree) is normally crucial if they are to be successful in their adopted country. If they are also married to a foreigner, the situation is even more stark and with the passage of time it is only normal that their “Filipino-ness” will become diluted and replaced by the customs and practices of their new homeland.
Of course, there is a broad spectrum of reactions: at one end, the new immigrant tries to be as assimilated as possible, eschewing speaking their native tongue and bringing up their children with little or no concept of Filipino culture etc.; at the other, they try to live as though they were still in the Philippines, holding on to the values and traditions of their youth and instilling these in their own children as best they can in the face of outside pressures. As the years pass, the gulf between the expectations of both parents and children will inevitably grow as the physical separation is joined by cultural , lifestyle, societal and other differences.
To bridge this gulf and establish a good relationship requires tact and communication on both sides. Each has a valid point of view and needs to understand the other’s as well. In your case, HM, you and your daughter have to have a frank and dispassionate discussion of how to maintain the essential parts of your relationship while accommodating the changes that have taken place.
Personal experience has shown me that this advice is easy to give but often very difficult to follow as history and emotions can get in the way of a rational conversation but with sufficient goodwill, a sensible accommodation can be found.
Best of luck,
JAF Baer
Dear HM:
Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer is correct that the only way to alleviate the hurt and anger is to communicate exactly how you feel. It will not erase all the anger and hurt and pain, but it will erase enough of it so that you both feel your relationship is worth all you both and each do to make it work.
So.…how best to talk about incidents that don’t leave you raw and gasping from the pain? Gingerly at the start, until you can feel that your daughter is ready to listen and not just defend herself.
Having dealt with issues concerning miscommunication between mothers and daughters, lolas (grandmothers) and apos (grandchildren), there is just one bit of advice (a tip, if you will) that I urge you to take:
Write her a letter instead of trying to talk to her. It is, of course, possible that you and/or your daughter are not hot headed, not prone to interrupting, and not so eager to answer that you don’t listen to what the other is saying. However, when it comes to mothers and daughters hurting each other, even the politest of people tend to forget that interrupting, raising one’s voice, and/or being sarcastic are not considered good manners.
I know, I know. It is so difficult to write a letter. One has to sit down and think one’s thoughts through. One had to quiet down the hurt and indignation and try to find out what, really, one finds so offensive in a statement or a tone of voice. So much easier to shoot from the hip, to speak volumes with a sneer or an eye roll, and to be eloquent when egged on by emotion rather than by reason.
But that is precisely why writing a letter is so important. Among other things, already a meta message (a message about the message) is sent. It says “this is so important to me that I am taking pains to write it down instead of merely saying it. This is so important to me that I hope you truly listen to what I am saying (because) I am not just talking to pass away the time.”
The letter you write need not be long, but its only goal is sharing how you feel — no blame, no justifying your behavior.
It cannot come from an attitude of knowing it all, because you don’t. Neither does she. When you stick to feelings, blame is diminished because neither party has a personal stake in being right…or even in having the other party apologize. All each hopes for in a letter is to share one’s feelings, without being interrupted (as one often is in an emotionally-charged conversation) and thus not having your message diluted.
It is not important that a solution is reached right away. There may be hiccups; it might be a long process of trial and error. What is most important is that you have reached out, you have paved the way for honest communication between the both of you.
You have been brave enough to share what her hurtful behaviors are, are open to hearing what YOUR hurtful behaviors are, and will try to change…at least some thing. These are the things that matter. These are what make the difference.
I hope this helps, dearest HM.
A woman is usually told that, once her daughter becomes an adult, conversations become so much easier. In my clinical experience, that is true only for superficial things. When it comes to matters of the heart and, alas, also of the pocket, reason often flies out the door because you are both so similar and yet so very different. A letter is the best (informal) aid I can think of to keep the love intact.
Good luck,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com