Why does homosexuality exist? Is it okay to be gay?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I hope all is well with you both. I have a pressing question, and I’m still at the point of wondering, and still hold the question as to why homosexuality exists? And why since time immemorial? And it also came from biblical times.

Is homosexuality reversible?

Is there a cure?

Is it a mental illness or sort of sexual illness?

Why is it hard to explain its existence? Why is it hard to comprehend?

Is there scientific or psychological explanation?

Is it okay to be gay?

I’m still in between the beginning and end of it all.

Still hanging in there and still living and wondering its adventures, awakenings, sorrows, joys, colors and everything in between. 

– Martin

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Dear Martin,

Thank you for your message.

Homosexuality has been the subject of curiosity and debate for millennia.

In classical Greece and Rome, homosexuality was common, socially acceptable and even celebrated but following the conversion of the Roman Emperor Constantine in the 4th century CE, Christianity swept across Europe and the rest of the empire and attitudes began to change e.g. homosexuality was stigmatized and marriage was redefined as a sacred union rather than merely a social and economic contract. 

The West’s transition to our modern understanding of Christian sexual morality continued until well into the Middle Ages, and of course, European colonists, exported these beliefs around the globe, not least to the Philippines. Other major religions have varied attitudes. Islam shares many principles and practices with Christianity, but with some differences such as polygamy and gender separation.

Hinduism is not monolithic and a diverse range of norms and practices exist. Buddhism is equally nuanced, with different traditions following different practices, while always stressing the importance of intention and mindfulness.

What one can say therefore is that to a great extent attitudes towards homosexuality are defined more by the time and culture into which a person is born than by any universal truth. 

Most Filipinos today therefore inherit either a Catholic or Islamic view but  if they had been born into say, a Thai family, they would probably have been raised with a Buddhist attitude.

This does not in any way gainsay the fact that through personal discernment, a person might not adopt alternative beliefs rather than simply accept the beliefs they grew up with. From the above, it can be seen that the answers to your questions very much depend on one’s basic beliefs and sociocultural setting.

Indeed, even from a Catholic perspective, asking about homosexuality might elicit very different responses from say an African priest in a country where homosexuality can be a capital offense, a liberal Belgian priest espousing an open attitude to LGBT+ issues and even the ordination of women, and a conservative US bishop strongly opposed to any accommodation on LGBT+ issues.

So, returning to your questions:

Is there scientific or psychological explanation? These are many and varied, and Dr. Holmes will comment further

Why does homosexuality exist? This is a mystery just like the existence of left-handness, mushrooms, spiders or sampaguita.

Is homosexuality reversible? No

Is there a cure? No (and conversion therapy is both unethical and ineffective).

Is it a mental illness or sort of sexual illness? No

Is it okay to be gay? Absolutely

Best wishes,

JAFBaer

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Dear Martin:

Thank you very much for your letter.  Thank you too, Mr. Baer, for answering all of Martin’s questions, except what I consider the most difficult (though that, admittedly, may be a mere matter of opinion ?) which you happily passed on to me.  

I am afraid, Martin, that Mr Baer misspoke. I will not give you the most credible scientific theory regarding homosexuality’s existence. I feel I can do one better. I hope to share a wider perspective so that, hopefully, you will agree with me that homosexuality need not be “explained away.”  

I hope you will agree with me that it is better to accept — aye, much much MORE than accept — but revel in, and be grateful for, homosexuality’s existence.

Asking why homosexuality exists implies there is something wrong with its existence…as the gay advocates of yore used to ask “Why does no one wonder why heterosexuality exists?!!?”   

It’s like the meme from BAD Girl Art:

Are you still single? Why do you ask? I never ask: How come you’re still married?

If you can love and/ or lust after someone in a respectful, generous, and (sana, no holds-barred) way, no matter what gender they belong to, hallelujah, that’s all that matters!

The neurodiversity movement has upped the ante.  How? It helps us realize that being autistic per se is NOT the problem. It underscored the fact that (like being homosexual), simply being atypical, simply being a minority, simply being different from what a narrow society deems normal, is very ok.  Sometimes, you bear gifts that the more typical do not.

The neurodiversity movement also showed that often it is not the neuro-atypicals that are the problem, but the society which has failed to help them — and sexual minorities — navigate the objective world successfully.  

The Psydiversity movement added an even wider perspective to why being different doesn’t matter when it comes to living an authentic life not just because we’re wired differently, but because we’re different for so many other reasons.

You want to get an explanation about why men lust after other men? Why men love other men? How can I coldly give up answers like molecules and brain cells or even terrible childhoods (like the scandalous way women were blamed for their schizophrenic children with the double bind hypothesis)?  No. 

First and foremost, many of these deeply “psychological”  theories — like the one posited by Bruno Bettelheim in his 1967 book The Empty Fortress: Infantile Autism and the Birth of the Self — are cruel and wrong. Dead wrong.

Instead of focusing on why homosexuals are the way they are, usually under the subtext of “something wrong must have happened to make you become the way you are” and yet…what is wrong with the way homosexuals are? 

What is wrong with the way they live their lives and, like us boring heteros (jokening only) long for better things — better jobs, truer friends, better government officials?  Is there really a trait one can come up with to describe how they love that differentiates them from, say, heterosexual love?  And isn’t that more important? 

I feel, dearest Martin, that there is something more important than discovering an explanation for homosexuality’s existence; and that is discovering an explanation for the existence of prejudice and unkindness and the absolute temerity of people who judge others simply because they are different from them. 

For joy and grace to enter one’s life, knowing why someone is gay is immaterial.  What matters is how comfortable they are with themselves and how they put themselves out there to make others comfortable with themselves.  It is a cold lonely world when we feel there is something that is shameful and unacceptable in us simply because we are different…especially because nothing could be farther from the truth! 

What matters is accepting — aye, reveling — in how people come in all shapes, sizes, sexual orientations, and how loud they are at parties. What matters is that you continue to live your life the way you have described dearest Martin: “Still hanging in there and still living and wondering its adventures, awakenings, sorrows, joys, colors and everything in between,” with joy, alacrity and absolutely no apologies.

Mabuhay ka, dearest Martin! Mabuhay po tayong lahat.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com