[Two Pronged] My ex-fiancée threatens to tell my friends about our relationship and that my penis ‘looks weird’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I met the woman I thought I would love for the rest of my life five years ago. We got engaged and made plans to get married. Many things happened that made me rethink the marriage. Finally, and even though I didn’t want to, I broke off the engagement.

Many times, she asked me to reconsider; she was tearful and apologetic. But when I finally said my decision was final, she became angry and made bad remarks. These remarks became ugly, and then she accused me of many things. All this was done in private.

But last week, when she finally realized I would not change my mind, she said she may tell my friends about our relationship. She ended with “ALL of it.”  

I think she means she will share even the most private things about our relationship. I would like things to remain private. I have not done anything bad, but I am a private person.

What bothers me most is what she said about my penis. She said, “It looks weird,” “smells awful,” and doesn’t “fill her up completely’.”

What will I do? I do not want our relationship to be a joke among everyone. She is also an influencer. 

Jared

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Dear Jared,

Thank you for your message.

My response this week may not be as evenhanded as I might have wished because I have personally experienced the outcome when one chooses to remain silent, out of possibly misplaced feelings of privacy and discretion. 

Having said that, Jared, perhaps you should consider reframing your rather defensive view of your history with your ex. Until very recently, after all, this girl was ready to be your wife and even after you broke it off, she was actively trying to convince you to get together again.

Up to this point, therefore, she really wanted to marry you and therefore must have considered you good husband material. However, now that she has been spurned, suddenly the story has changed and you are in danger of being demonized.

You need to seize the initiative and control the narrative if you are to avoid the embarrassment that you fear. Get your version of events out there; make clear how until x days ago she was pursuing you and then any stories she tells will appear to be those of a bad loser and their effect will be lessened, if not nullified. 

You give no hint of the reason(s) you decided to dump her but including something in your favor about your split could further bolster your preemptive PR  strike. 

Finally, don’t forget that having been so close to an influencer must have given you some insights into how that game is played. Use them to your own advantage.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

Dear Jared:

Thank you very much for your letter. 

Let us begin with the three major criticisms your ex-fiancée (let’s call her Mary) has about your penis:

1. It looks “weird”;
2. It smells “funny”;
3. It doesn’t fill her up completely.

Just as one man’s terrorist might be another’s freedom fighter,

1. One woman’s partner’s weird-looking penis may be another’s handsome appendage.
2. Likewise, one woman’s partner’s funny-smelling penis may be another’s fragrant one.
3. Finally, a penis that doesn’t fill one woman completely may be surplus to requirements for another woman.

Mary may merely be bluffing about what she will tell other people about you. But even if she makes good her threat of telling, how many people will be likely to believe her? And even if some people do, if push came to shove, would it really matter to many people?  Mary’s stories say more about Mary than they say about you.

Here are some facts about penis shapes and penis sizes (there not being that much data on penis smells):

The more common penis shapes are: 1. curved upward, 2. curved downward, C-shaped;  i.e., with  a noticeable curve to the right; 3. straight; i.e., maintains pretty much the same shape from shaft to head; 4. large base with narrow head; and 5. narrow base with larger head.

While we mainly think of length when we speak of penis size, there is also the question of girth, which I always remember, thanks to my girlfriend who described her current lover’s penis as looking like a “baby fist.” 

But good news! At least, I sure hope it is for many people—a meta analysis synthesizes data from 17 previous academic papers that included measurements from a total of 15,521 men from around the world, reported that the average “flaccid, pendulous” penis is 9.16 cm (3.61 inches) in length; the average erect penis is 13.12 cm (5.16 inches) long. The corresponding girth measurements are 9.31 cm (3.66 inches) for a flaccid penis and 11.66 cm (4.59 inches) for an erect one.

I am so sorry that Mary can threaten you this way. You being concerned about her threats is perfectly understandable; not your fault at all. I remember former UP professor Dr Eric Manalastas reminding me that while one of the most common fears of women is being attacked, one of the most common fears of men is being ridiculed. 

Forgive Mr Baer and myself in case you feel we focused on the more mundane aspects of your letter.  However, without any information on why you fell in love with her enough to want to marry her and what made you change your mind, I feel this is the most we can do.  

I  hope, however, we have been able to reassure you even a teeny tiny bit, and helped you realize that by deciding to call off the wedding, you have dodged not just a bullet, but a bazooka! 

–MG Holmes

– Rappler.com